Let The Dice Fall Where They May

Man, what a road its been.  Bumps and bruises galore.  Speaks for both my professional wrestling life as well as my love life.  I left my girlfriend after I was given an ultimatum: wrestling or her.  I’ve been meaning to go off on a written analysis rant (see also: brain vomit) on all of this.

This was always my fear when I entered into a relationship.  I was always given warnings by my elders, that maintaining a healthy young relationship while neck deep in the world of professional wrestling is next to impossible. Me being the stubborn guy I am, I figured I could defy that.  But like anything else, there are elements that surprise you.  I just assumed everyone knew everything that comes with it, stupid me.  I remind myself daily that I have a warped perspective, that people don’t see things like I do more often than not.

Beyond Wrestling is the most-watched wrestling promotion on YouTube.  Because of my work there, both my name and my wrestling has grown.  They inspire me to work hard, to better myself, study footage, get better gear, the like.  I bust my ass when I work for them, and it pays dividends.  Even with the match I got hurt in involving Darius Carter, all of my regrets about it went away when I saw the footage, and I was given plenty of respect from a lot of peers higher up on the food chain than I.  

I still watch that match, and I still feel every bump as they happen.  And no match has been more influential on my life.  I feel like it was meant to be that way.  Everyone who really knows me knows I will always be enveloped in the world of professional wrestling.  So when my now ex-girlfriend asked me to leave since I was getting all fucked up, I initially agreed that I should either quit or take time away.  But then the wrestling world all reached out to me, so many people, phone calls, texts, the like. People I never really talked to all that much, people I was friends with, I never would have imagined it.  Stuff like this is why I’ll always strive to pay my bills with wrestling, as unrealistic and head-in-the-clouds as it might be.  There’s no group of people I’d rather associate with then professional wrestlers.  I got so many signs from so many different places that it just wasn’t my time to leave wrestling.  And so I had to make a choice.

Ever since January, me and the girl had been on the rocks.  I missed her birthday for CTWE’s The Rumble Games (akin to the Royal Rumble, hot crowd, great night) and we hadn’t really been the same since.  We hit a crescendo in February, had a really killer Valentine’s Day, then it all fell apart in March.  The sex was wonderful, but I have to wonder if her desire to get back out there means I should too.

Pfft.

I’m not one for that.

I think I’m done letting people in my door.

Like I already have issues with reaching out to people, this adds to it.  All I’ve wanted since I was a kid was to be a successful professional wrestler or successful in the pro wrestling business in some way, shape, or form.  I’m not going to even allow myself to meet anyone else only to have them try to make me give it up.

It’s all I know, and I look at everything in my personal life through a professional wrestler’s lens.  My views are forever distorted because of how long I’ve been marinating in pro wrestling.  I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.  Nothing brings me more joy.  But apparently there will always be casualties.

I loved being in love.  It just added to the fire I already had in my heart.  But more and more was coming up that just seemed to drive a wedge between us.  I blame myself for a lot it, although let’s face it, we were like oil and water sometimes.  We were so good together, but sometimes we were just so bad for one another.  And now with her impending return to the dick circuit, it’s just time to cauterize the wound, and accept that he had to be this way.  Pro wrestling is in my blood.

Am I going to look back on this when I’m older as an old man filled with regret?  No, and this is because if I ever feel regrets, I’m going to reread this post, and remind myself that this is how it had to be.  I was put in the position, and had to choose.  Am I going to look back on this as a great chapter in my life, potentially an unfinished one?  Or like a TV show with a character who takes a backseat for a few episodes or a season and returns with a bang down the road?  Who knows what the future holds.

I don’t hate her, she doesn’t hate me, so at least there are some silver linings with these black clouds.  The bridge isn’t burned, even if its seen better days.  Is she angry and upset with me for not giving up wrestling to preserve our relationship?  Yes, and let’s face it, who can blame her?  She repeatedly said I chose wrestling over her, and I always say that I never wanted to choose anything, but the bottom line is, I did choose wrestling.  I’ve always chosen pro wrestling over everything.  I went to help set up a ring for Ring of Honor for the first time in 2005 and missed an amateur wrestling tournament as a result.  I’ve missed birthdays (hers included), weddings, the like, since I started going to shows.  Its always been this way for me, just like the millions of other wrestlers who tell the same story.  It’s in my blood, it’s in my soul, and I’m only getting started in ‘rasslin, so at this point, only time will tell what will happen next.  But I’m at peace with all of it.  It all makes sense, so we’ll just see what happens next.

All the best, until the next random time I decide to write on here,
Miyags

I don’t write on here much anymore. Don’t really know why. I’ve always got a lot to say, and my brain feels like vomiting some, so you all get to bear witness yet again. Its cool, you all know what you are in for already. You clicked ‘Follow’ and decided to engage my madness to a degree, so here goes.

Game Design Rant:
I’m pissed at school. I’m pissed that the Game Design portion of the program doesn’t feel like Game Design at all. We’ve had ONE class dealing with the game engine. The engine, y’know, the foundation for the entire fucking game. What contains the physics, most of the architecture; this is where the game is born. The rest has been spent on 3DSMax. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hating on 3DSMax (or any piece of Autodesk software, those fuckers are brilliant), but I did my module in 3D Imaging and Design. I’m pretty well-versed in the program. And I passed that module with flying colors. But now, its becoming overkill. I’m beginning to think the instructor isn’t teaching the Unreal software because she doesn’t actually know too much about it beyond getting to a single player testing phase. She has a lot on her plate. She’s doing the best she can.

I’m beginning to think I’m going to need even more education and time to really get to the level I want to get to. Or just more time to learn more. Time is something I don’t have a lot of. I’m on my own timer. And the pressure is on. This all means too much to me to ever consider falling short. I want to be a lasting player in the industry, I have too many game concepts kicking around my head, too many years spent learning why a game is great and why a game is not, too much natural aptitude towards mostly any piece of creative computer software. But game design software clicks even more. The first time I opened UDK, my jaw hit the floor. I was enthralled. I could fuck with UDK all day. And that’s what we are supposed to be learning. The module is called Game Design and Development. And as anyone who knows a thing about games knows, games are made in teams. So why not let my class of 4 team up and make one polished game instead of watching us all stress out. I’m a great texture artist in progress and am on the path to becoming a great level designer as well. My skys the fucking limit in both. Hooey (psuedonym) is a great character designer, dude has an incredible gift there. Kez and Riku (psuedonyms) both are great idea guys and have strong aptitudes for this stuff as well. We are the best the school has to offer, so let us show it. The school needs a great game to showcase its growing program, and all 4 of us are incredibly passionate about making great games with depth and detail. Let Hooey do the character work, let me do the texturing, and let Riku and Kez do levels, since they both have a grip on what makes an awesome game world, which is interesting considering their taste in games is pretty different.

I love 3DSMax, but I’m not looking to work for Pixar or Disney or any sort of production company. I hate video work for the most part. I want to make games. If I’m going to make games, I need to learn the engine. So the question remains, is the teacher going to teach us about the engine, or just more about sculpting? Our next class is Texturing For Games. I’m 100+ pages ahead in the textbook. Show me the fucking Slate Material Editor in Unreal, or even the one in 3DSMax. Rawr. Show me the Kismet system in Unreal, since the shitty video tutorials have no sound.

Yep. A step-by-step audio tutorial WITH NO FUCKING AUDIO.

And these frustrations leave me so touchy about the game industry. I’ve become so judgemental about video games. A very harsh critic, because I’ve come to see so many flaws in so many games, and in today’s market, with such high development budgets, its unbelievable to accept anything less than excellent. My girl bought Bolt: The Game the other day, and it pretty much killed my mood for the whole day. Because to me, buying a movie tie-in game is akin to killing Christ. Movie studios are the last people who should ever get a dime from video game sales in my book. Plus, movie tie-ins tend to suck (Bolts no different, look it up, its like somebody took Family Guy: The Game for Xbox and gave it a stupid sloppy Bolt motif. Swap between stealth gameplay that requires no stealth and mindless action scenes, end of game. These games have no replay value, and they are detrimental to the industry because they just take up space and attract eyes with the cute doggie on the fucking cover. And the Bolt model in the game isn’t even cute. How do you fuck that one up?) And I felt bad with how it affected her day, but my passion for the industry didn’t allow me to feel any other way. If it has technical flaws or a lack of polish, its hard for me to even watch a gameplay clip.

Side note: having the case visable in the Gamestop bag in front of my eyes is burning my retinas. So I put it under the tabletop in a basket thing. Sorry, babe. Love you. :P

There are exceptions. White Knight Chronicles may have a few flaws, but it makes up for it with outstanding content and endless replay value due to the creative nature of the character leveling. Its very freeform. You can play it your way if you aren’t in the mood for linear storytelling. A.k.a if you want to run around and kill things in an FFXII style combat system, go for it. I love FFXII, so I love grinding in WKC. Level-5, I fucking love you guys. Where’s Dark Cloud 3?

Gymmin’ It With A Monkey On My Back:
Been back in the gym again. Finally taking my supplementation serious, and the gains have been showing. I’m pumped to continue the transformation. Huh huh, pumped, see what I did there? I’ve got a lot of motivation towards it. Between my mentor and my friends all being so encouraging, and my girl continuing to be the gravity in my shoes provides even more encouragement. I love her because she makes me never want to settle for being any less than the best. And that includes becoming a better version of myself for her, the best version of myself. For her, and for me. She encourages me to quit smoking all the time, and I love her for it. And I will someday. I try, but the fact is, I just stress out too fast when I don’t smoke, and quitting is tough when you are surrounded by smokers in every facet of your life. I get angry so fast without nicotine or pot, and I can’t afford weed on what I make. My bloods boiling point must be lower than the average. And what’s probably the worst thing of all, I still like the taste. I know I shouldn’t. My grandfather has Emphysema due to a life of smoking. I’ve never made a New Years Resolution before, so maybe this will be the first. When I’m done with school and not stressing out as much. And hopefully can afford more weed.

I detest that I ever really started smoking. I was always the kid in high school that was straightedge and didn’t smoke or drink. And I don’t regret breaking edge, and I can’t regret smoking cigarettes, because my life would be drastically different without those traits. And I love smoking weed. But sometimes I wish this exact avenue was achievable without introducing tobacco products into my life. I’ve got an addictive personality in some ways, and as soon as I started buying packs on the regular, I knew it was only going to worsen. It is what it is. I know I’ll quit someday. My girls the catalyst for it. She wants what’s best, and in order to be the patriarch I want to be for her and for my posterity, this crutch will have to go sooner or later.

I’m a work in progress. I’m a hothead. I’m overly passionate to the point of being harsh. But it is this passion that has gotten me to where I am. So I keep with my mantra, one day at a time. I’m going to be the greatest man I can be. And I’m on the right track.